A Lone Bear In The Snow
by Saying Grace
Summary: Dov has a lot to deal with when Wes walks into the ICU room after Chloe was shot. The snow outside blocks everything, including his heart and mind. Dov starts walking, not knowing where to. Where will the storm take him?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey Guys!**

**So, this is an idea that was stuck in my mind for a while.**

**Ever noticed there are no Dov stories out here? This story started with that question echoing in my head, and then there were the snow storms in North America, and… I let you decide if my version of Dov justifies a story or not… **

**Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this, Please let me know what you think by PM or review.**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Rookie Blue.

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Dov was sitting on a plastic chair. Though the seat was padded, he was sitting there for so long he was sure if he gets up his butt and thighs would keep the flattened shape. Right now it wasn't a WHEN he gets up, it was an IF. He really wasn't sure about that. About getting up. About walking around. About breathing, eating, talking - these were terrestrial habits not related to him. These were beyond him at this point.

His head was resting on his palms and his elbows leaned on his knees. His fingers were against his forehead thus hiding his eyes. To passers-by he looked asleep, but every now and then a sob escaped his lips, a shiver shook his shoulders, and another drop of warm salty water escaped the confinements of his eyes and fell on the corridor floor. He was crushed. Physically, emotionally, and generally speaking. There was no way he could get up from this chair. Ever.

Life was too messy right now to live them.

The sound of footsteps down the hall made him lift his eyes in hope for some news about the woman lying in the ICU room two doors down. The woman he loved and hoped she loved him back. Afraid of what he might hear, it took him a second to convince his muscles to actually move. He heard the footsteps stall next to him, before moving on down the hall. He lifted his eyes in time to notice a figure in scrubs disappearing around the corner.

There was something about grieving people sitting at a hospital corridor that changed people's usual walking rhythm. He noticed this in the past day. They would walk their way towards you, and once they notice your lump of body on the chair, they slow down for a moment as if they want to say something. Then they speed up and disappear, not saying a single word to you, as if they're afraid to catch whatever it was that brought you here.

He wasn't sure why he was still here. Wes made it clear he didn't want him around. By all hospital formalities and regulations, the word of a husband was more bounding than that of a boyfriend or a godfather, even if the aforementioned husband was not around for a while, and didn't even know how to fill the hospital forms. So there was no chance anyone will even look at _him_. Even Frank couldn't get in to talk with Wes.

It was self-torture, he knew, to be here so close to her and yet so far. He had to do something about it. His eyes traveled from the linoleum floor to his hands, realizing for the first time he was still in his uniforms. He wasn't sure how long it has been since he wore these back in the barn. It started Wednesday morning, and he had a feeling it was Thursday night or maybe even Friday morning by now. He didn't know and he didn't care. All he cared about was the seriously wounded woman on that bed, the one whose husband is refusing to approve the surgery she so desperately needs right now.

Dov sighed heavily.

He couldn't understand how the past four years were such a chain of romantic disasters for him. Every time he put himself out there, something happened and it slapped him back in the face. They were four, when he made a list, or maybe even five, if you count Gail. Edie was so much like him and yet so different that it made him jealous whenever she was doing whatever she wanted. The excitement of being near her still gave him an adrenaline rush when he thought about it, but she was right – it wasn't meant to be between them, they were too different. Crystal and Sue were both very strong women. A string of life and death attracted him to both – Sue saving his, him taking Crystal's brother's. Looking back, he knew both relationships were doomed from the first moment, he just didn't see it back then, just like with Edie.

And then there was Chloe.

He really thought they had something good going on, even if Wes was trying his best to make him doubt it. He cannot believe there was nothing there from her side. She could not fake it for so long. She was always an open book, and was very proud of it, too. She was _different_.

Now he knows she really was different. She lied to him. One of the biggest lies possible. Maybe she WAS an open book, but it wasn't written in English. Maybe Portuguese, or Swahili, or whatever other language she spoke. She lied to him from day one. Kept him in the dark on something so important in her life. She was married. She said "I do" and meant it forever, and it wasn't to him. She ripped those pages from her open book and moved on, leaving 27 division behind, and started anew with 15 and with him.

A brick was on his chest, and he couldn't breathe. He tried shifting in his seat, but the feeling on his chest just got worse. He got up, and felt a knot in his stomach. He didn't eat much in the past 48 hours, but whatever it was, it was standing still in his esophagus, and didn't travel down the path. It was all just stuck – the air, the food, the drinks. All stuck but the storming thoughts in his head.

He couldn't take it anymore.

He started walking.

He took the turn the figure in scrubs just took, and walked down the hall, hoping the movement of his limbs would make the suffocation and the irritation in his body move, as well. He turned left, then right. Walked into an elevator, and got out of it with the flood of people that were in. he was immersed in his own thoughts and not knowing how, he found himself facing the sliding glass doors to the outside. The doors opened in front of him, the freezing wind gushing in his face and screaming in his ears.

He zipped his police-issued jacket close, and raised the fur collar to cover the back of his head. He fisted his fingers and started walking, again – not knowing where, just placing one leg in front of the other, shifting the weight of his body to the newly placed leg, and repeating with the other side. Step by step. Moving away from what held him back upstairs in that ICU room.

His mind was oblivious to his whereabouts. He only noticed the screaming wind in his ears, and the sensation of the snowflakes hitting his eyes and cheeks with much velocity and strength. He wandered the streets of Toronto for a while, noticing the streets becoming naked from human occupants as he rammed the snow accumulating on the pavements and asphalt. His boots kicked the snow, and soon he found himself creating a new path, as the snow covered all remnants of the one left by the people who were once there.

He couldn't tell what it was that made him stop, but he stood still for a moment, taking his surroundings in, figuring where he was. It was a neighborhood he once knew as a kid, before his parents bought a bigger house in a northern neighborhood and they moved. He wasn't there since he was younger.

He started turning around on the spot, absorbing his whereabouts in. A memory pinched his frozen eyelids, pictures and scents coming to life in his head. The memory of his grandmother who lived nearby, the warmth she always had in her house. The food. The comfort. The love and security he felt there. His saliva glands started excreting liquids to the memory of his grandma's cooking. No matter how much his mother tried, she always lacked something in her cooking. He missed his grandma. His Bubbie.

He shook his head and the scents disappeared from his nostrils, pictures fading to the back of his mind.

Dov looked around at the empty street. For the first time since he crossed the doors of fifteen division, he felt alone. _At a time like this,_ he thought, _having a brother at my side could have been helpful_. His parents were too far away from his world to understand. Chris and Gail and everybody else too close. He knew the way he feels is something to vent out to your girlfriend. But where to you vent ABOUT your girlfriend?

He was alone. Alone in this street. Alone in this dilemma. There was nowhere to turn to, and the pain in his chest grew bigger again. He felt the world closing in on him, the sky getting darker by the second with a thud. And then a larger thud was heard, followed by a hiss, and the world became dark. The buzzing sound passed through the wires connecting the street lamps, and suddenly they all turned off. The lights in the surrounding houses soon followed, and the street drowned in thick blackness.

Dov was sure he fainted. The wetness of his clothes started to sink in. he realized he was far from home, with no means of transport. He folded on himself, leaning forward towards the snow under his legs.

Looking up and searching his way, Dov noticed the dancing light of candles glowing from a window of a near-by house. The light was reflecting from the snow, and it gave brightness much stronger than the number of flames that issued it. Dov started walking towards that house like a fly attracted to the flame. Walking cautiously to not fall on his face, he heard footsteps behind him. The footsteps got closer to him, and he heard no other sound.

In reflex he reached for his holster, remembering too late he was in uniform but unarmed. He only had his vest for protection. He paced faster to the lit house, realizing these were several people behind him, and they all started moving faster too. He could now hear them talking, though he couldn't distinguish the words they were saying.

Dov stumbled on the first front step when a hand touched his back and held him tight.

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**A/N: So… I really hope you liked this. It's not going to be a suspense story, only this chapter ended itself like this :) **

**Let me know what you think, and if there's a crowd here for Dov. This is not a McSwarek. Nor a PeckHolly or a McCollins. Maybe some other characters will make an appearance later on, but this story is Dov's. Will you be fine with that?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys…**

**I figured the 'Dov' people are scarce here, but never thought it's such a miniscule minority… **

**I've decided to keep the story going, for all 10 of you who read it. Enjoy!**

**Here's to katiekatz27, impalallama, rainletty21, and the unknown guests.**

**Disclaimer**: you know, the obvious: I do not own Rookie Blue.

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"Careful there, officer" a manly voice came his way, grabbing his jacket tight, preventing Dov from falling over "You found the first step, now there are five more, and then just open the door, it's unlocked."

Dov squinted his eyes, his mind not registering what he was told to do. _Is this man trying to get me into a darkened house to attack me? Didn't the coppers of 15 suffer enough this past week?_

"Come on, dad, I'm freezing!" the voice of what Dov assumed without looking was a near-teen boy hurried them, and Dov decided to open the door as he had no other choice. He was alone, his phone was stashed deep in one of his pants' pockets, and there was no way to run in this storm if they chose to chase him. And the boy was right – it **was** freezing outside. So he slowly stumped his feet in the snow and climbed up the stairs, pulling his hand out of his pocket trying fruitlessly to open his frozen fist and make his fingers move towards the door knob. The man behind him saw Dov stalling, and quickly reached his own gloved hand from behind to open the door for Dov, without saying a word.

Once inside, Dov counted four others coming in with him, and it looked like they came home. The two men, the younger guy and the boy started unwrapping themselves from all their layers – coats, hats, scarves, gloves, and more. They all took off their boots and quickly snuggled their feet in the inviting slippers which were waiting for them by the door, the boy and one of the men walking in to the darkened house faster while the other man and the guy stayed near Dov.

Dov didn't know what to do. His clothes started dripping water on the wooden hallway floor by the door, and he was too frozen to move. He didn't know who the homeowner was, though he had a pretty good feeling it was the man who invited him in.

The man raised his eyes and looked at Dov, as if reading his thoughts. "You can take your coat off, officer, and I see you need a set of dry clothes as well." It didn't take more than that for Dov to hear the invitation in the man's voice. The smile on the man's face was welcoming, too. Dov thought he could stay here until the blackout is over, or at least as long as he's warm again, depending on him being welcomed.

"Yonah" the man called turning his head around to the room Dov assumed the candles were in "add another plate to the table, we have another guest. David (the man then looked at the guy that came in through the door with them) go to your room and bring our friend some warm dry clothes, I think you're about the same size. Don't forget socks and another sweater, and slippers. I think this officer is close to hypothermia."

The man's orders were quickly followed. David disappeared in the dark hallway and Dov heard the chuckle of glass and cutlery from where the dancing lights came.

Dov raised his eyes and noticed the house was partly lit either by candles or by emergency lights. He started feeling his fingers melting, suddenly turning so hot he could barely hold the screams of pain inside. David came back carrying a pile of clothes in his hands. "There you go, officer", David said and handed Dov the pile. Dov looked at him, not knowing how he's going to get undressed in the hallway. The father saw his lack of comfort in the situation, and hinted David to take Dov to the bathroom where Dov could wash his hands and face to help him start to unfreeze.

A woman heard the commotion in the hallway and came from the kitchen. The smile on her face was big, her eyes sparkling in the half dark, and she spoke while drying her hands with a kitchen towel. "I'm sorry there's no light in the bathroom, and the water heating is off as well, otherwise you could have taken a shower, officer." It was clear she overheard everything.

Dov started to get uneasy by the way they all referred to him as _officer_, so he introduced himself "Dov Epstein, Ma'am, Sir" he turned his head between the two homeowners and tilted it down just a bit, in respect. It was obvious outreaching his hands for a handshake would be rude with how cold and wet his hands were right now.

"Welcome to our house, Dov Epstein" the man smiled "I'm Jake, and this is my wife Leah. David can show you to the bathroom and we'll start eating when you're back. Leave your wet clothes in the bathroom, we'll deal with them when the power's back." Jake guided Dov's back and helped him start moving with David at his side, holding the pile of clothes.

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Dov tried to hurry himself out of his frozen clothes, begging his burning fingers to move on command. When he managed to drop his pants to the floor, he heard the thump his falling cellphone made. Bending down he searched the floor with his hands trying to find the evasive phone in the pitch dark. When he finally did, he tried sending a text to Chris so he'll know he's fine, but the phone was dead – it got soaked wet in his pants' pocket. Dov threw the dead phone on the counter, and continued his methodical quest for warmth and dryness.

Coming out of the room, a figure was leaning against the wall, waiting for him. David's sudden movement startled Dov, and he raised his hands preparing to attack the guy's ears to stun him. Before he did, he recognized David's voice. "Didn't want you to get lost around this darkened house" he smiled in the dim light and Dov dropped his hands, he really appreciated the gesture and the two guys walked to the dining room side by side. To the unobservant eye they looked the same in the dark – nearly same height, same body built and same dark hair.

Reaching the threshold of the dining room, Dov noticed the room was half lit by candles and the table was taking most of the floor space in the room. Looking around, he saw the family with all its extensions – Jake, Leah, David, a girl he assumed was Yonah, the teenager boy, and another young couple with two toddlers at their sides. The table was set with fine dishes and cutlery, shadows from the candles at the rim of the room flickering on the walls.

Dov was seated between David and Gabi, the teenager boy, and right in front of Yonah. Leah and the other woman started serving the soup, and Dov learned this is Leah's niece, who got stuck with her family on the snow on their way to their home in the northern parts of Toronto.

The food was delicious, the company great. The banter between all family members brought back Dov's reflections from earlier that evening about how nice it could have been to still have Adam around. After many years of not dealing with the issue, he felt the anger built in him. Anger with the brother who abandoned him and left his parents broken. Anger with the fact that his own family does not have this kind of _chicken-soup-with-matzo-balls-Friday-night-dinners_ anymore, because his Bubbie died, his brother killed himself, and everything else just fell apart. And most importantly - anger with his own inability to rise from all that and navigate his life to a safe route that will not blow up in his face.

His thoughts kept him from participating in the conversation, and he kept eating and looking blankly around the table.

Across from him, Yonah noticed his expressions, and cleared her throat loudly, causing him to snap out of his daze. Dov estimated her to be not much younger than him. Her supporting smile helped him get his mind back on the positive track. He was now in a warm house, having a nice dinner with a bunch of nice people who were kind enough to let a stranger into their house and feed him. He was finally warm enough to feel his toes and fingers without the sting of pain. And here, in the confinement of these white walls with dancing candle shadows, he found refuge and the worries he had merely hours ago were no longer bothering his mind. Almost.

"Sorry" he muttered towards Yonah, though not talking to anyone specific "hard week. My girlfriend got shot on the job and she's in ICU waiting for her surgery."

Conversations died in an instant, and all eyes were on Dov.

"This must be hard on you" Leah said in a motherly tone "Is that why you were on the streets alone?"

"Sort of. Her husband showed up and kicked me out of the room. He is not willing to let her have the surgery she needs, so I needed some fresh air and I..." Dov's sentence died in the chilling air of the room. Playing his words back in his head, he knew it sounded much worse than it was. Or didn't it?

He started rambling again, trying to correct the impression left by his previous confession.

"I didn't know she had a husband. She didn't tell me. If I knew – I wouldn't be with her to begin with. I think… I don't know... It's hard… She lied to me. She's now morbidly ill and I can't help her" his rattling mouth made a final quiver before dying and turning mute.

No response came from around the table. They all set in silence until Leah got up and cleared the soup bowls to make room for the main course.

Could be the wine he drank helped this confession and then dullness state, or the exhaustion his body felt now that it was warmed up and fed. Dov sat in silence as the conversation started again, his mind was wrapped on itself, and he didn't notice the two toddlers were taken to bed, the plates taken away, or even desert being served.

Once all the dishes were cleared from the table, Dov looked at Yonah, and saw her shiver. She reached for a sweater from the back of her chair, and wore it while smiling at him. Dov noticed the room got colder during their dinner, and assumed it will only get colder during the night. "Do you want some tea?" she asked, and he gladly accepted her offer, the chill getting to him too.

David invited him to sit in the living room, where the gas-operated fireplace was working. Dov got up and slowly walked after David, careful not to hit anything in the dark. He took a seat at one end of a sofa just as Yonah walked in with his tea in her hands. The tea was boiling hot, and Dov wondered how could it be. Yonah laughed at his puzzled look and simply said "we have an urn on the fireplace. Just like every Shabbos."

Dov smiled and didn't respond. He remembered what Shabbos meant to his grandparents – Bubbie and Zaidi – spending quality time with the family from Friday afternoon to Saturday night. All cooking made in advance, no TV, no travel, no phones or computers. No pressure, no disturbance. Just staying home and having a good family time. Back when they were still a family. Long long time ago.

A tear escaped his eye as he knew 'loss of family feeling' was just added to the list of things to be angry with Adam about. He lopsided his eyes, pretending there are no tears in them, and noticed the menorah standing by the window facing the street. There were some candles in it, still burning in the darkened room. It was Hanukah, and he totally forgot about it.

He sighed heavily, knowing that THIS one was fully on him. His mom called last week and asked him to come Friday night for a meal and candle lightning. She was reaching out for him, and he forgot about it and blocked her away. He felt bad because it was the light of these menorah candles that brought him from the street to this house and saved him from the cold. And these candles could have brought his family back together. But there was nothing he could to about it now. Not from here. Not without his phone, and not while the electricity is out.

It wasn't long after that that everybody started yawning and bidding their good-nights. Only Jake, Leah and Dov were now in the room.

Dov looked at Leah and said "I know _you_ can't talk in your phone because it's Shabbos, but if you can give it to me, I'll call someone to pick me up soon. I think I've already stressed your hospitality too much."

Leah scoffed at this remark and said lightly "you're going nowhere tonight, sonny. You'll stay here, and sleep on the sofa. My mother always said 'when there's room in the heart there's room in the house', and we have room in our hearts. So you'll stay here at least until Shabbos is over, and then we'll see what's going on with the electricity and traffic." With that Jake and her left the room, and Dov was finally alone leaning down in the sofa and trying to get comfortable, preparing for the night.

A light fake cough made Dov lift his eyes to see Yonah standing at the door with pillow and blanket at her hands.

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**A/N: I know this is different from what you usually read here, but I still hope you like it. Have I lost the handful of readers? **


	3. Chapter 3

Dov woke up the next morning feeling lighter than he has been for a very long time. He was never heavy, not physically nor in his behavior, and thought himself to be as light as a butterfly. But the long talk with Yonah last night brought out things he never knew held him back and made him heavier than the weight of his own body.

She brought him a pillow and a blanket and silently sat on an armchair near the sofa he set his bed upon. She just sat there, not even looking at him. Somehow her presence got him to talk more about the past week, about Chloe and Sam and Wes and Adam and... well... and many other things, as well.

She had no judgment in her. Not any he could see or feel. And that for itself was liberating. They had no past, they surely will have no future, and that left the present time alone. And she was a true present. A gift. And Dov started talking. They spoke for hours about everything, and Dov easily found himself confiding in her and telling her things he never spoke about.

Dov's parents sent him to the shrink after what happened with Adam, but he never found any comfort in that. Nor in the meetings he had to go to get back to work after what happened with Crystal's brother. But with Yonah he felt free to talk about anything, and found that just like her name, she was the bearer of peace to his mind and soul. Yonah. Dove.

When the grandfather clock down the hall ticked twice, they knew they must get some sleep, and bid their good-nights again, this time for real.

When Yonah left the room, the exhaustion Dov felt kicked in and he fell asleep immediately, only to wake up sweating two hours later. He looked around disoriented until he remembered where he was. When he realized he was sweating because of the fireplace in the room, he decided to switch to his usual sleeping gear and took off his pants. After that he fell in deep slumber until the blinding sun woke him up.

The light reflected from the French doors in the room was magnified at least ten fold by the snow outside. Dov checked the time on his watch, and knew he overslept. He heard some voices from the kitchen and hallway, but none of them distinct or close. He smiled to himself, thinking what a lovely family this is, that allowed him to sleep in and kept quiet until he woke up.

The scent of the stew slowly cooking on the fireplace overnight hit his nostrils, and he realized he was hungry again. Laziness filled his veins thinking of a day of nothing but food and sleep ahead of him.

He started looking around, and saw one of the room's walls was covered with books. The cover of one book in particular caught his attention, as he remembered his grandpa reading from it a lot. He got up from the sofa and started walking to the shelf where the book stood. Realizing he's in his briefs and undershirt, Dov pulled the blanket with him to cover himself waist down, holding it in place with one hand.

As he stretched his arm to the high shelf to bring the book down, Yonah walked in to the room and greeted him good morning. Looking at her, Dov smiled and got distracted from the book his fingers just touched, and the book fell on the floor. The book dropped open, and a piece of paper fell from it to the floor. Dov wanted to lean down and get everything up, but the blanket restricted his movement. Making one more effort, Dov bent down to the book and paper, and got up to find Jake standing in the room next to Yonah, and the blanket down on the floor.

Yonah hid her face in her father's back, embarrassed yet smiling, while Dov grabbed the blanket and quickly set on the sofa, covering himself, suddenly aware of the fact he didn't take a shower in four days. Jake looked somewhat amused and opened his hand to take the book from Dov's, saying nothing while he examined the book and the paper.

"Why this book?" Jake's tone all serious made Dov look up in fear of what might be wrong.

"I.. I… I remember my Zaidi reading from it." Dov couldn't help but stutter in fear.

"Your Zaidi had this book!?" it was clear Jake was shocked.

"Yeah, they were religious, too" Dov sneaked a smile, sneaking a look at Yonah.

"And the piece of paper?" Jake continued

"Just fell off the book. I don't know what it is."

"This is your future, Dov" Jake said in a serious tone, and moved his eyes from Dov to Yonah and back to Dov.

"My what?"

"Your future. See… my father bought some land near Hamilton many years ago. He hid the deed in one of his books, and predicted it will be found by Yonah's husband and it will be their land. You can see there are many books here, and we never looked for it. It was actually a family joke that Yonah didn't get married because we don't have this deed. I can tell you this land is now worth a lot more money than I ever had. So is Yonah." And Jake side-hugged his daughter in appreciation.

It was a good thing Dov was sitting already, or he would have fallen on the sofa upon hearing this.

"Wha… wha… what do you mean?" Dov stuttered again, this time in confuse tone. _What is it with my tongue this morning?_

"I mean you and Yonah are getting married" Jake said with the largest smile Dov have yet seen him wear, as if he didn't just say his precious girl will marry a complete stranger just because he dropped a book to the floor in his clumsiness.

"I… I…" Dov stuttered and held his head in his hands. _Is this man joking? Is it for real? How could it be that no matter where I am and what I do it always backfires and everything gets so tangled?_

Dov didn't have a chance to finish, as Leah walked in and invited them all to the dining room to have lunch. Her gloved hands quickly picked the pot from the stove and the scent left with her. Dov had a feeling she took all light with her too, as the sun was covered by a cloud and darkness fell on the room.

No one said a thing during lunch about what happened in the living room earlier. After lunch Gabi and Dov wore coats and went out to play in the snow with the younger kids.

Yonah was looking at them through the French windows, and wondered how different _this _Dov was compared to the one walking in the house the previous night. He looked happier now, relieved. As if he had no worries in the world. He actually looked like a child as the others he was playing with.

Playing and fooling around Dov glanced at Yonah occasionally, thinking how the past hours did his soul wonders. Looking at her he realized there was one thing in his life he needed to do to man up – he needed to grow up.

He always blamed someone for the way his life went. It was always Adam, his parents, his grandparents, his partners, always someone else. Yonah said something last night. Something about how when you point one finger at someone else, you always keep three pointed at yourself. And she was right. It was time to grow up, stop blaming and start acting.

The kids dropped him on the snow and jumped on him. It took him a while to free himself from the snow thrown on him, and when he finally did he raised his eyes looking for Yonah, but didn't find her anywhere.

Instead, he found himself staring at Chris's uniformed presence.

"Nice, Dov. Nice" Chris's voice was loaded and harsh "every possible cop in the GTA is looking for you and you're playing in the snow. How mature." Chris spat the last words and walked back, talking to his radio. "Found him. Call off the search and the medics. He's fine."

Dov quickly took off David's coat and walked around the house to the squad on the snowed street. The car was parked several houses down, and it took them a minute to walk in the snow. Chris, feeling sorry for being harsh on Dov just now, brought a blanket from the car's trunk and covered Dov in the passenger's seat.

As they drove off, Yonah was standing inside by the window and said nothing.


End file.
